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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

How Are You Doing?

How are you doing?  That's a question I've been hearing a lot of.  Most people that ask me don't even know about our loss over the weekend.  So, I smile and say okay and we exchange pleasantries.  But...how I truly am doing is a question that has a much longer answer.

My eyes leak tears pretty much all day and night.  It seems as though I have no control over when I cry and when I don't.  My eyes are sore and my head aches.

My heart hurts.  I know that I have so many things to be thankful for.  I count all my blessings and then feel even worse that I am so sad in the midst of my abundance.

My womb is empty.  This is going to sound weird, but it feels as if my body is rebelling.  It is confused about what has just happened.  It knows pregnancy, child birth, nursing...and this is none of those.

My body and mind are tired.  I think that I could lay in bed for a whole day and still feel worn out.

But, today the sun was shining.  Spring is trying very hard to come.  A season of growth and renewal.  The children and I got out for a nice long walk and it was great to be out in the fresh air.

My parents sent me some lovely flowers.  I LOVE flowers...thanks mom and dad!  A fabulous neighbor friend brought me over a super fragrant hyacinth plant today.  The smell and sight of these beautiful signs of spring make me happy. 
They smell as wonderful as they look!  Thanks mom and dad!
So, how am I doing?  I guess I'm where I should be.  Everyone tells me to take it easy on myself and just work through this at my own pace.  I had a nice visit with my doctor on Monday and he assured me that there was nothing I could have done to have prevented the miscarriage.  My body did what it was supposed to do and I didn't need any medical intervention.  That was a huge blessing!  My children are being super helpful around the house and even seem to be bickering less with each other.  My husband snuggled me this morning and just held me as I cried.  It must be hard for him.  What is it I want him to do or say?  I don't even know.  So having him just be there for me was exactly what I needed.

I am so thankful to be Catholic.  I mentioned in my first post that Mother Mary has been holding my hand through all this.  On my drive home from the doctor on Monday, I realized that while I cannot hold my baby, Mother Mary can.  We have souls in Heaven waiting for us.  That is a wonderful thing!
Mother Mary, watch over my baby until we can all be together in Heaven.
Your kind words of encouragement and prayers are greatly appreciated.  Miscarriage is something that affects so many women and I now have a completely different understanding of how it overwhelmingly affects a person.  Please keep our family in your prayers.  They give me great comfort and strength.

God Bless!

Heather :-)