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Monday, March 28, 2011

Growth Through Loss

I have went back and forth over whether or not to share this.  It is something that Todd and I have decided to keep private in the real world, but it is an issue that so many moms deal with.  I feel I need to share with all of you in my blogging world.  I need to "talk" about it, but can't actually talk without breaking down into a puddle of tears. So, here it goes.

We were expecting another baby in the fall.  We had just passed the 12 week mark and were preparing to share out news with the world...that's when Thursday morning happened.  Nothing drastic.  Just a little spotting.  Perfectly normal.  Only it continued on all day and into the next.  So I called my doctor and he suggested an ultrasound to make sure that all was well.  Turns out, all was not well. 

I don't recall most of what the ultrasound technician said to me, just phrases....smaller than expected....no heartbeat....abnormal...I was physically there, but couldn't mentally take it all in.   Ultrasounds have always been such an amazing experience for me.  The first chance to see our baby.  But this time, there was no baby to see.

So, we spent the weekend waiting for the process of miscarriage to begin.  This afternoon, things kicked into high gear and were pretty intense for about 4 hours.  I think that the worst of it is over.  But I don't know.  This is my first time down this road.

I've spent a good amount of time reading and thinking this weekend.  I had the ultrasound on Friday, the Feast of the Annunciation.  A joyous day marking Mary's "YES" to God.  The same day we celebrate the Angel Gabriel announcing the conception of our Lord was the same day the technician announced the death of our baby.  I stopped by my church after getting that news.  I lit a candle and said a prayer.  Then my gaze turned to a statue of the Pieta where Mary is holding the lifeless body of her beloved son.  Perfect, sinless Mary was filled with sorrow.  Then I realized, that she understands and knows a hurt much larger than my own.  The Mother of God has been holding my hand this weekend, helping me to be strong.
Michelangelo's Pieta
I do pretty well during the day.  I guess having six kiddo's to chase after can keep a person's mind off her troubles.  But, at night, when they're all in bed and the house is quiet...that's when it gets hard.  I have a feeling that this is going to take a while to work through.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  (Romans 5:3-5)

Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1Thessalonians 5:16-18)

I held Esther in my arms tonight until she fell asleep.  I snuggled Eleanor in her rocking chair until she asked me to put her in her bed.  I hugged and kissed the 4 big kids...probably a little too much.  Life is precious and something not to be taken for granted.

The children are all doing okay and working their way through this too.  They're already talking about next time....Todd and I are just trying to get through this time.  Please pray for us all this week.

God Bless!

Heather :-)