Remebering Benny and Mary

Benedict Augustine and Mary Angelica ~ Pray for us!

I paused tonight at 7:00 pm to light a candle in remembrance of the babies we lost to miscarriage 1 1/2 years ago.  Loss is such a strange thing.  It is so difficult to endure and understand when I was in the midst of it.  Knowing that God has a plan and that His way is better than my own, but continually struggling to deal with the rawness of all the emotions that surround it.  Revisiting all of that can be tough.

Each time we pray as a family, we ask for the intercession of our babies...Benny and Mary - pray for us!  They are a part of our family who have already made it to Heaven.  They are our constant intercessors, praying on our behalf so that we may one day reach Heaven to be with them and all the saints for all of eternity.  What a gift that is that God chose to give our family...but it took me quite some time to understand that.

God Bless!

Heather :-)

Lenten Reflections

Well, we almost removed all of the thorns.  It has had a good impact on our entire family though.  The idea of taking out the thorns and making sacrifices to grow closer to Christ has even gotten through to the 3 year old.  On Easter Sunday, Eleanor came up to me and said in her Elmer-fuddish little voice, "Mommy, I want to make Jesus happy.  Give me a job to do so I can take out a thorn."  She obediently cleaned up some toys, I checked her work, and we took out a thorn.  Making Lenten sacrifices is something that we've all struggled with this past season, especially me.

Just a few thorns (sacrifices) remaining before we can start to add the flowers where the thorns once were.

I began the season of Lent with the joyous secret of a tiny life inside of me.  Just as we were preparing to share our news, we suffered through a miscarriage.  Surely, I thought, this was my Lenten sacrifice.  What further need was there for me to give up candy or deprive myself in other ways?  God had already taken my little one to be with Him.  I continued on with this attitude and kind of "blew off" the idea of any further sacrifice for a couple of weeks. Then, the weekend before Holy Week, a mom in my home school co-op posted some thoughts on a message board that she'd been struggling with and it really made me think....what is it that God has asked of me and what is it that I have willingly given to Him?  There is, after all, a tremendous difference.  I did not volunteer my miscarriage, rather it was something God volunteered me for.  While it was (and is still) a huge sacrifice and growth experience, it was not something that I willed to happen.  This realization was HUGE for me.  My Holy Week took an amazing turn for the better and our home was filled with love, peace, prayer, and reflection...well, as much as it could be with 6 children ages 10 and under with a husband out of town for the week! :-)

Our Easter day was amazing!  We attended the sunrise Mass and it was beautiful. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping away as we walked into church.

The Krafts after Easter Mass. Joseph could not stop fiddling with his tie!

After Mass, we came home and had a lovely breakfast of egg bake, fruit salad and resurrection rolls.  Then we changed out of our Sunday best and headed out for an egg hunt in the lovely Spring-like (finally!) weather.

Esther enjoyed the egg hunt so much that the only way to get her to voluntarily come back inside was to leave a trail of eggs to the door!

We had a lovely young neighbor couple and their son over for dinner.  After eating, we had this yummy lamb cake and ice cream for dessert.  This is the first year that I made a lamb cake and it was a hit!  It will definitely become a part of our Easter dinner tradition!

It actually turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself!

And, we can't forget about the resurrection scene.  We made the cave last year.  It was a time consuming project involving ply-wood, chicken wire, many layers of paper mache, and spray paint.  Since that was done, we made the resurrection set of paper dolls from Catholic Icing.  The kids had a great time with it and are still having fun playing/acting out the Easter story.  After all, the Easter season is 50 days long.  That's even longer than Lent!

The empty tomb and resurrection characters sit atop our mantle with the "Alleluia" banner!

I hope that your Easter was as joyous and filled with wonderful memories as ours.

God Bless!

Heather :-)

Pro Life Prayers

It's been 2 weeks since my miscarriage.  For the most part, I have more good moments than bad.  I am laughing and enjoying life more than I am grieving and crying.  Today was the day that my Pro Life group from church was scheduled to go and pray outside of a local hospital that performs abortions as a part of the 40 Days for Life Campaign.  It took about an hour to get there.  When we got there, my daughters and I said a rosary and then we had some quiet prayer and reflection time.

The thought that I can't seem to wrap my mind around is that there are women who CHOOSE to force a miscarriage on their body.  One of the most painful (physically, emotionally and spiritually) things that I have experienced and wouldn't wish upon anyone is considered reproductive health care in our country.  I don't know how to process that.  I can only pray for all those promoting and selling the lies of abortion, that they will have a conversion of heart.  That was what I prayed for today in my quiet prayer time.

Haley and Madeline were so happy to be there.  They both commented about how quickly our hour passed by and that they would like to go again.

Along the same pro-life topic, our family is taking part in a walk for a local women's clinic.  The kids are super excited!  It is only 2 miles which is totally do-able for the whole family.  I encourage you to try to find a walk in your area.  It is a great way to get out in your neighborhoods and communities to fund-raise and raise awareness for the pro life cause.

Also, have you taken notice of any of the pro-life billboards that have been popping up around the country?  And have you heard the buzz that they're creating in the mainstream media?

This billboard features an image of President Obama and was up in Chicago.

Thatsabortion.com sponsored this billboard.  You may be interested in checking out their site.

This billboard was up in New York City.

I have written about the disproportionate numbers of abortions that occur in the African-American population previously.  I think this is a super effective visual to make that very point.

Wow - I could go on and on.  There is so much happening within the pro-life movement.  We have so much progress to praise God for!  But there is still much work to be done.  Abortion has been legal in this country for 38 years and millions of defenseless mothers have allowed their children to be slaughtered.  We must make our voices heard and stand up for the rights of the unborn.  Pray for the courage, wisdom and compassion to be an effective tool in this fight.

As a side note, we had yet another showing this morning but it appears that they are not interested in buying our house.  Please pray for someone to make us a fair offer on our home so that we can be done with this phase of scrambling to get the house ready to show.  We've been at it for a year now and it is getting tiresome.  We feel so pulled toward this other church with a great home school ministry and would really like to get closer so that we can be more involved.  We are invoking the intercession of  St. Joseph and St. Paul.  Your prayers would be so greatly appreciated.  Thank you!

God Bless!

Heather :-)

How Are You Doing?

How are you doing?  That's a question I've been hearing a lot of.  Most people that ask me don't even know about our loss over the weekend.  So, I smile and say okay and we exchange pleasantries.  But...how I truly am doing is a question that has a much longer answer.

My eyes leak tears pretty much all day and night.  It seems as though I have no control over when I cry and when I don't.  My eyes are sore and my head aches.

My heart hurts.  I know that I have so many things to be thankful for.  I count all my blessings and then feel even worse that I am so sad in the midst of my abundance.

My womb is empty.  This is going to sound weird, but it feels as if my body is rebelling.  It is confused about what has just happened.  It knows pregnancy, child birth, nursing...and this is none of those.

My body and mind are tired.  I think that I could lay in bed for a whole day and still feel worn out.

But, today the sun was shining.  Spring is trying very hard to come.  A season of growth and renewal.  The children and I got out for a nice long walk and it was great to be out in the fresh air.

My parents sent me some lovely flowers.  I LOVE flowers...thanks mom and dad!  A fabulous neighbor friend brought me over a super fragrant hyacinth plant today.  The smell and sight of these beautiful signs of spring make me happy. 

They smell as wonderful as they look!  Thanks mom and dad!

So, how am I doing?  I guess I'm where I should be.  Everyone tells me to take it easy on myself and just work through this at my own pace.  I had a nice visit with my doctor on Monday and he assured me that there was nothing I could have done to have prevented the miscarriage.  My body did what it was supposed to do and I didn't need any medical intervention.  That was a huge blessing!  My children are being super helpful around the house and even seem to be bickering less with each other.  My husband snuggled me this morning and just held me as I cried.  It must be hard for him.  What is it I want him to do or say?  I don't even know.  So having him just be there for me was exactly what I needed.

I am so thankful to be Catholic.  I mentioned in my first post that Mother Mary has been holding my hand through all this.  On my drive home from the doctor on Monday, I realized that while I cannot hold my baby, Mother Mary can.  We have souls in Heaven waiting for us.  That is a wonderful thing!

Mother Mary, watch over my baby until we can all be together in Heaven.

Your kind words of encouragement and prayers are greatly appreciated.  Miscarriage is something that affects so many women and I now have a completely different understanding of how it overwhelmingly affects a person.  Please keep our family in your prayers.  They give me great comfort and strength.

God Bless!

Heather :-)

Growth Through Loss

I have went back and forth over whether or not to share this.  It is something that Todd and I have decided to keep private in the real world, but it is an issue that so many moms deal with.  I feel I need to share with all of you in my blogging world.  I need to "talk" about it, but can't actually talk without breaking down into a puddle of tears. So, here it goes.

We were expecting another baby in the fall.  We had just passed the 12 week mark and were preparing to share out news with the world...that's when Thursday morning happened.  Nothing drastic.  Just a little spotting.  Perfectly normal.  Only it continued on all day and into the next.  So I called my doctor and he suggested an ultrasound to make sure that all was well.  Turns out, all was not well. 

I don't recall most of what the ultrasound technician said to me, just phrases....smaller than expected....no heartbeat....abnormal...I was physically there, but couldn't mentally take it all in.   Ultrasounds have always been such an amazing experience for me.  The first chance to see our baby.  But this time, there was no baby to see.

So, we spent the weekend waiting for the process of miscarriage to begin.  This afternoon, things kicked into high gear and were pretty intense for about 4 hours.  I think that the worst of it is over.  But I don't know.  This is my first time down this road.

I've spent a good amount of time reading and thinking this weekend.  I had the ultrasound on Friday, the Feast of the Annunciation.  A joyous day marking Mary's "YES" to God.  The same day we celebrate the Angel Gabriel announcing the conception of our Lord was the same day the technician announced the death of our baby.  I stopped by my church after getting that news.  I lit a candle and said a prayer.  Then my gaze turned to a statue of the Pieta where Mary is holding the lifeless body of her beloved son.  Perfect, sinless Mary was filled with sorrow.  Then I realized, that she understands and knows a hurt much larger than my own.  The Mother of God has been holding my hand this weekend, helping me to be strong.

Michelangelo's Pieta

I do pretty well during the day.  I guess having six kiddo's to chase after can keep a person's mind off her troubles.  But, at night, when they're all in bed and the house is quiet...that's when it gets hard.  I have a feeling that this is going to take a while to work through.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  (Romans 5:3-5)

Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1Thessalonians 5:16-18)

I held Esther in my arms tonight until she fell asleep.  I snuggled Eleanor in her rocking chair until she asked me to put her in her bed.  I hugged and kissed the 4 big kids...probably a little too much.  Life is precious and something not to be taken for granted.

The children are all doing okay and working their way through this too.  They're already talking about next time....Todd and I are just trying to get through this time.  Please pray for us all this week.

God Bless!

Heather :-)